Fuck you Coronavirus

Im mad. Not the “get out of here and never come back” type mad. I am the fire in the eyes, red vision, full of rage type mad. I have been in a mental struggle of why I feel so mad. I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have food on the table. I don’t have to worry about where I am going to live tonight, if I will be warm or if I can support my family. All logic says that I shouldn’t be mad. I should be grateful for everything I have, everything that people long and wish for, then I figured it out. I’m only human. And I’m mad.

Fuck you Coronavirus for taking away my peace of mind. Yes, I am healthy and in a low risk group for something serious, but people in my life are not. I will not be the cause of their death, that weighs heavily on me on a daily basis.

Fuck you Coronavirus for taking away things I have been looking forward to. Yesterday, I got word that the British F1 GP was officially not letting spectators view the race; something my husband and I have been really looking forward to. I had to call Delta and cancel my flights. I cried the entire time on the phone. It was the last thing, the last plan, the light at the end of the tunnel that things could get better. I also have had to watch 5K’s, 10Ks, race after race get cancelled, time with my family and friends, and things I have trained SO HARD for.

Fuck you Coronavirus for taking away my mourning. My aunt died weeks ago (due to Cancer, not Rona). You know what I would love…to be with my family. I would have loved to have seen her, called her, been with her. I would have loved to go to a funeral, celebrate her life, been there for my cousins who lost their mother. I would have loved to build a giant poster of her smiling face. I would have loved to drive to Petoskey and looked for stones as a remembrance of a woman that I loved so dearly. But that was ripped away from me, with no warning.

Fuck you Coronavirus for taking away people in my life. As much as I love to read about people quoting an inaccurate survival rate or not taking things seriously, I have had to watch people die from this.

Fuck you Coronavirus for taking away my normal. I mourn my normal life. I hate that I can’t just go to a store and pick up something I need. I hate that everyday is chaos and I can’t control anything. I hate that we will never go back to the normal that I loved.

Fuck you Coronavirus for making me weak. One of my best friends recently told me that I was a friend that others lean on for support, the one that picks people up and gets people moving. The one that always has a shoulder to cry on and a couch for anyone to lie on. Instead of being grateful for kind words, I was angry. I was raging that I needed that friend now and it seemed like it was nowhere to be found. I’ve used words with this friend that I shouldn’t have…and if this friend is reading this, I’m so sorry.

But it’s okay to feel mad. We should be. We are human beings and Coronavirus has taken away more than we realize. We can rage, we can be pissed, we can feel empty…it’s ok. It’s what you do with that rage is what separates us from the monkeys. A monkey will throw poop…you know what I did? I sat in my shower, blazing hot water just falling on my head. I cried for everything that has been taken from me. I cried for what was and what could be. I just cried. (maybe I should have thrown the poop)

After 30 minutes I realized that I will have to deal with chaos and crazy. I realized that my heart is going to ache for the people that I have lost. I realized that God put me on this Earth to be a healer and listener, to be that support person that I so angerly wanted. That’s my purpose, that’s my role…to get people through things because I’m not weak, I am stronger than I think – we all are.

So my challenge for you today is to be mad, or sad, or happy, or grateful. Feel your emotions. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel however you want to feel. We have no idea what’s going on right now..life is out of control so just feel what you want to feel, there is no handbook for this one. Just know, I’m here to listen and you aren’t alone.